It's so bizarre how far reaching the effects of my pastor's implosion have been.
I know, I know, "get over it already".
But the fact is, the shrapnel from the blast keeps making itself apparent. The extent to which sin can make an impact is quite unbelievable.
Probably the most damage to date is my inability to trust. Now I look at anyone in ministry with a VERY jaundiced eye. I listen with an extremely critical ear. I know what you said, but what did you mean? Any red flags??? What did you NOT say? And I swear if anyone says "I need to process this" or "Let's review our learnings" I'll probably run screaming from the building.
As we have been touring churches, I'm really trying to put my antennae down and not be hypercritical, but at the same time, I DON'T want to go through this again. So I try to find a balance. I don't want to be bitterly critical, but I do want to hear the Holy Spirit if he is whispering that there is a problem.
Since we have attended Parkcrest the most in this journey, Mike Goldsworthy gets the brunt of my consideration. (Mike, if you happen to stumble upon this post, please don't take this personally!) He has not done or said anything to give me concern. In fact I have been impressed with him every time I see him. I discovered that he has a blog, and at first, I didn't want to look. I don't want to know. What if I find something that gives me concern? But like anyone driving by an accident, I had to look.
I saw this:
Junior High Camp from Mike Goldsworthy on Vimeo.
Imagine a pastor, going to Arizona, just to hang with the JHighers.
I like that.
But I'm not going to look anymore.
I don't want to know.
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8 comments:
I love his blog. I've been reading it for a while now. I love how down to earth he is. He makes me laugh. I grew up with a pastor that we were afraid to walk up to and talk to because he came across that way to me and I love how friendly Mike is. I've enjoyed his teaching so much over the past year. I'm glad you guys have been coming there. I'll have to find out how it went Sat. night.
I love how you touched on how far reaching sin is. It is so unbelievably only about us for a nano second and then it trickles down and poisons other people. Often times people we dont even know or come into direct contact with. I dont know what the situation with your pastor was but I have come to resect the fact that they are "just men" sinners like us and when you find one that realizes that. Is accountable and has integrity all the while being human keep him and hold on tight cause satan will want him to.
That sin thing really sucks. You are very right - the shrapnel keeps appearing, stuck in the back of good people, creating physical and spiritual wounds similar to all the World Wars combined.
((insert loud sounds of dismay - you know the sound kinda like, blarghamum!@#$%&*))
Sometimes being a follower of Christ requires us to bear the marks of the scourging that Christ himself took - Very tough stuff...
But - I can see what you say about being jaded - I felt that way as well, but, having stuck with the church (ground zero) so as to keep Satan "on notice" (that was for you) I can see why it is so important to follow NO MAN.
I call no Pastor, "my pastor". I follow Jesus Christ himself, his teaching, his Word (God's Word), He is my Pastor - and if all that happens to come out of the mouth of, and through the actions of a human Pastor - great!
But more often, I see Jesus in the everyday people I meet on my journey, the folks I bump into on the street. The Pastors exhort the Word - but the people "live" the word.
- That is the Church - the greater church - not the building you go to on Sunday, or the person up front.
John 14:6 Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.
I know you are right about following only Jesus, not a man. And as Jesus is The Shepherd, He places human shepherds to care for His flock on earth. So when these humans fail, it inevitably affects those Jesus had entrusted to his care.
I know not to expect perfection, but yet... I still find myself expecting perfection, or at least a shepherd I can respect. Is that too much to ask? Maybe.
We just finished studying through Jonah at our church. When the book is all said and done, there's something that really sticks out. Jonah wanted God's grace and forgiveness, but didn't want to see that same thing passed on to someone else.
If you look hard enough, you'll find something wrong with any of us. We're all jacked up. Just like you. For some reason, God has called some to be leaders in this human representation of His kingdom on earth. And while it may be to different degrees, we'll all screw it up at some point. A hard pill for me to swallow, cause I don't want to screw it up.
I don't fully agree with Rick. Yes, look to Jesus. Not man. But He also gave some to be pastors. Our pastors. It's OK to have a pastor, too.
I guess when I realize that I want to be respected, in spite of my sinful ways and shortcomings, it's only fair to extend that respect to others. And even allow myself the possibility to be hurt. And even after that happens, I guess Jonah reminds me, even the worst of us deserve a second chance. Maybe not the same level of trust or respect or responsibility, but God's grace, through me. Easier to say than to do.
I just hope I can disappoint as few as possible on my journey. But God, forgive me for the one's I do, or already have.
I'm gonna go cheeseball whack job quote on ya here. I remember in high school or something hearing the whole:
Work like you don't need the money,
Dance like nobody's watching,
Love like it will never hurt.
I guess you could also say trust like it will never hurt, too. I know, super cliche and cheesy, but maybe something to it too.
Don't be stupid about it, but don't completely shut yourself off to trusting a Christian leader again, either. You'll really hurt yourself more in the long run. I just really believe that.
Sorry for the novel. Hope that was OK to say. I'll be done now.
Wish that I could say that I am immune to all of this but my recent and not-so-recent experiences just reinforce what you are going through
Dad
Bobby,
Thanks so much for your very thoughtful, um... thoughts. I love, "trust like it will never hurt." I know you are right.
I know I am self-righteous and finger-pointing. I know I want grace but am unwilling to extend it to others. I know I have a long way to go on this journey. I am very disappointed in myself that I do not always (or even ever) react in the way Jesus would have me instantly react. But I take confort in the fact that this IS a journey. I don't think any of us is at the finish line already. And I know God uses these hard times to push us along on that journey.
I'm learning.
I don't pretend that I am right to be jaded and jaundiced. I just am. It's unfortunate. It's where I am. It's not where I should be. But my life isn't over yet! I'll get there, I hope. (I DON'T want to be like Jonah who never really got it!!!)
Thanks for journeying through this with me.
s/b "comfort" :-{
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