My toes are numb

I woke up a few days ago with a numb feeling in my toes - like when they fall asleep or are very cold. I tried to tell myself that's all it was.

But I knew differently.

October 31, 2001 I was diagnosed with relapse-remitting multiple sclerosis. In July of that year I woke up one morning and my left arm didn't. After many tests, including a particularly brutal spinal tap, the diagnosis was given. Relapse-remitting meant that symptoms would appear for a period of time, weeks or months, and then slowly go away. Over time your body loses it's ability to heal itself and the symptoms do not go away anymore. My arm had all feeling restored by this time and I was told to go on a medication that would require a shot once a week. I hate shots.

I quickly agreed and began following the regiment. It wasn't long before the medications consumed my thoughts. Although I had no physical side effects to speak of, my mind suffered. I poured over the medical information, you know, the tiny stuff no one reads. I greatly desired to find what wasn't there - hope for a cure. I discovered that the best case scenario was that it would slow the progression of the disease by about 30%. Everyday, I researched and worried ("five more days until another shot... four more days until another shot...).

A month later, as I was praying over the story of the centurion and his faith, which astounded even Jesus and led to the healing of his daughter, I began to ask God what "astounding faith" looked like. He answered, "Go off your medication." I immediately thought, "No! It's my only hope." Those words rang loudly in my head and I realized how true they were. This medication, which was not a cure and made no promises, had become my only hope.

Lots of prayer later, I went off the shots. He became my only hope.

Soon, the relapsing part of the disease kicked in. I lost sight in each eye (fortunately not at the same time). My right arm went numb and returned, then I lost feeling in both arms (almost impossible for me to write or type in that condition). Finally my legs kind of just gave out. I could walk, but I looked like Frankenstein. I had to tell my body what to do. "Pick up right foot. Bend knee. Put foot down. Pick up left foot..."

For the next year and a few months, not a day went by when I didn't experiencing some sort of symptom. But my faith never waivered. If I was going to be healed, I reasoned, I needed something from which to be healed.

But my faith was certainly tested when, much to my surprise, God told me to begin taking the medication again. I argued with Him. He won. He pointed out Abraham and Namun, two people who did not hear what they expected to hear.

It's been almost four years now and not a single symptom - unheard of. My doctor is amazed. I consider this a down payment on a healing I believe God has promised me. But I also believe God has a genuine miracle in store for me.

Unfortunately, if you really want to be healed, you have to be healed from something. I was content waiting because I knew that someday would come and I didn't know what it would look like. How bad would I get before He delivered on His promise?

So now I have numb toes. Not terrible in the grand scheme of things. Irritating, but not terrible. At least I can still write and type! Is this a precursor of things to come? Is this where it begins or is this just a reminder that I am not healed... yet. Is it a heavenly encouragement to keep hoping in Him and to not, once again, place my hope in medication?

I don't know.

But what I do know is that God is faithful and I can trust Him. As I go back through the journals I kept at the time, this verse stuck out to me: Exodus 10:2 "You will be able to tell wonderful stories to your children and grandchildren about the marvelous things I am doing... to prove that I am the Lord." Believe me, I have stories!