This is my latest read. As a protective and involved parent, I always want to be diligent not to cross the line into overprotective and invasive. The premise of this book caught my eye.
Here is a quote from the jacket: Hothouse parenting has hit the mainstream -- with disastrous effects. Parents are going to ludicrous lengths to take the lumps and bumps out of life for their children, but the net effect of parental hyperconcern and scrutiny is to make kids more fragile.
The author details the myriad of ways we parents, in thinking we are helping are actually damaging our children. By keeping them tied to our apron strings, we are creating a class of permanent adolescents.
What are we doing wrong? That's what I wanted to know...
- we do not foster small steps to independence but crave our children's dependence
- we over obsess about their future and plan out their entire lives
- we are creating perfectionist children by expecting perfection
___an interesting sidenote to this: Perfectionists can ONLY fail. As the goal of perfection is unattainable, they focus solely on what didn't work, never the 99% that did.
- we blow everything up into a worst case scenario (one failed math test means a lifetime of failure)
- we fail to see and appreciate the real world benefits of play and have eliminated this vital area of development
- we cripple our children with constant concern for their well-being
- we have failed to recognize that humans are most happy and most able to develop when under an amount of stress that encourages problem solving, adaptability and accomplishment
- we have made adulthood look unattractive to children - "it is seen as a stress-filled, worry-ridden, joyless place almost totally focused on the children"
So... what's to be done?
1. Let children play.
2. Eat dinner together at least five nights a week. Conversation is vitally important.
3. Learn the correct way to criticize.
4. Take achievement pressure off kids. Let them reconnect with their own creativity.
5. Quit hovering. Have fun being an adult.
6. Teach kids to tolerate frustration and uncertainty.
7. Learn how to praise your kids - and what for.
8. Encourage problem solving and risk taking.
9. Let your kids fail.
10. Give children responsibility.
11. Get out of panic mode and switch to rational mode.
The points the author makes are important to today's parents if we want to raise a healthy generation. The book reinforced some things I already practice, and encouraged me to step back and reevaluate in other areas. I wouldn't necessarily recommend it for the layman. I think it was written more for psychological professionals and consequently was a bit of a tough read.
My advice, review the list above. That's a pretty good summary. The book is overly long and repetitive. It also wholly slams homeschooling and so put me on the defensive right away. Read the book if you really want to be challenged as a parent... and a reader!
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3 comments:
I could not agree more. I have seen more of my contemporaries hold their children back from getting scratched on the arm, from hurt feelings, and from doing the laundry - all in the name of love.
These kids are brats. They are whiny, dribbling beasts that can not even defend themselves in a conversation of "what do you want to play" because they need mommy to tell the playmates what her precious little baby wants. It is sick.
We have a swing on the tree out front. Every single kid in this neighborhood swings on it. Every one but one household of three kids. They are not allowed to play, to engage with the other kids, to have fun, because - GET THIS - they will get a splinter on the back of their thigh if they try to sit on the seat. So while everyone plays, they sit on the grass and watch.
It freaks me out to watch this. These are the same kids whose mother RUNS straight to the teacher when little Susie has told (neighbor's daughter) that she doesn't like her shoes. The principal gets involved and now Mom is requesting a different teacher for her girl.
All in the name of protecting the child. Poor girl wants to run away and never talk to her mother again.
Seems that being a kid is getting harder all the time and the bar is constantly being raised. When I took the SAT test in High School, they said don't study for the exam and no one did. We lived with the scores we got.
I have to admit that when Michelle took the SAT and did great, I thought she could get a few points better so I sent her to a SAT prep course and her score promptly went down (fortunately you get to keep your highest) - probably had more to do with the pressure I was applying than anything else, sorry Michelle.
I wish things could be simpler for kids and they could enjoy growing up and being "just kids".
Dad
I loved your post. I totally agree with the book (ok, except the negative sping on Home Schooling) I mean I want my kids to be independant thinkers apart from me who rely on Gods wisdom and strength. I mean we are not perfect & at some point are going to let our children down or fall short of what they need. That is the beauty of Gods power and grace. I agree with Donna, I know a couple kids like that and frankly can't stand to be around them cause they are so whiny and helpless. The worst part? So are their moms. I think there is a healthy way to home school. You can teach your kids at home and still not be a "helicopter mom" so to speak. I LOVE being with Morgan and teaching and working through second grade with her but I don't want to stalk her and not let her breath. All kids have to feel pain, hurt, rejection and loss. We can absorb some of it for them but we rob them if we take it all and fix it because they will be really annoying adults and spouses. Thanks for the post Michelle.
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