This is a post that has been percolating in my brain for days.
I don't want to say I hate facebook. It definitely has its uses. It was instrumental in our WCHS Reunion. I love chatting with old friends and seeing their spouses and children. I know many people who have reconnected using the ease of facebook. I am not a Luddite. I enjoy technology and appreciate the ease it has introduced into our lives.
On the other hand, most everyone I know who goes on facebook regularly has been hurt, irritated, misunderstood, surprised, disappointed or just saddened by something someone has posted.
I know I have.
I went on facebook just now to see how many friends I have and to get the logo for this post and noticed several disappointing updates and comments. I am saddened by people's philosophies and choices and ways of expression. Every time I go on I find out things I wish I didn't know.
I think there is a kind of anonymity to facebook that people take advantage of. We all know who made the comment or joined what group, but they didn't tell us specifically, they just blasted it out into cyberspace. Who knows if anyone is even going to see it. Right? This pseudo-anonymity leads to saying things you might not have otherwise said. Would you really tell someone to their face that they are not invited to the party you are throwing or will you just put the pictures on facebook and if someone gets their feelings hurt, oh well. My favorite are the oblique comments that seem innocuous, but you know certain individuals will "get it."
I know those who are really social love facebook. It definitely fills the need to stay connected keep up to date with others. But I recently saw a study which concludes that facebook does not lead to intimate friendships. In general, you have the same number of true, close friends before and after entering the world of facebook. It seems that genuine friendships require time, energy, and actual contact.
I worry about what facebook is doing to actual friendships. I know I have felt slighted on more than one occasion when an actual friend takes time away from our time together to update their cybernetwork with what is currently transpiring in their life (Jenny, I am NOT talking about you!) I have been told by actual friends that if I want to know what's going on, I should check their facebook. I have all but lost contact with actual friends and the only way I know what's up in their life is to check facebook. I think they believe we are still in relationship because I should know what's going on. Of course knowing what approximately 6 billion other people know makes me the furthest thing from a genuine friend as you can get. It makes me a stalker.
See, I'm not a "million best friends" kind of person. Some people are and that is fine. I'm a "few, close friends that I devote time and energy to" kind of person. I don't think my kind fits with this new paradigm. I miss the actual conversations, the face to face encounters, the sitting with coffee while hashing something out.
I miss not knowing everything. I don't like knowing whose party I wasn't invited to or who someone voted for. I don't like knowing someone I'm friends with is joking around with someone who has hurt me. You can have parties without me, vote for whoever you want, or maintain whatever relationships you want. I just don't want to know about it.
I miss having acquaintances of whom I know only what they choose to reveal to me, personally. I'm tired of being disappointed by people I barely know when I find out too much.
I know you cannot uncork the bottle. The genie has been let out of this one. I know I'm spitting in the wind when I deeply desire to know people because they genuinely want to be in relationship with me.
Of course, here I am, venting out my feelings into cyperspace where no one will probably see it right? Where I can let myself be known, but not have to do the messy work of getting to know you. Here's a thought. Send me your blog link, I'll read it, and we can consider ourselves the best of friends!
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11 comments:
Michelle,
You know, I sorta agree with you. There is no "come over any time" type of friends anymore (Although, Barbara doesn't like people coming over without warning). Everything is FaceBook, MySpace, email, texting, etc....whatever other techno communication there may be. Thank you for speaking up, even if no one reads it....it helps to get it off you chest. Although I read it and agree with you.....Great Job!
I think the reaction / experiences you get in life are largely dependent on your personality. I think if you're more of the offendable type of person then you'll be offended or hurt more in life, not just on/because of Facebook.
I enjoy the Facebook and have learned more about people I'd have never known or taken the time to get to know in real life.
It's how you use the tools (facebook, twitter, blogs) they are very social tools and they can provide you more opportunity to get to know people where you may not have the time or due to distance just can't get to know them.
Really there is only so much you can do on a Sunday morning! In fact, using Facebook or Reading/Commenting on blogs has provided me many more opportunities to encourage people I just don't get to see anymore.
That being said, I'm not a very social person and I only have a few REALLY good friends and I don't talk to them very often if at all via Facebook or Blogs.
Everyone else I know are acquaintances who I enjoy and I dig reading their updates or what they're into.
Yes I have often been surprised when reading blogs or status updates but NEVER been offended or hurt.
hey, Its funny you should post about this because I was feeling very stressed recently about this very thing. i keep getting these emails that say I have been added to a friends facebook and for the longest time I had no idea what it was. To be honest I just dont have the time to keep up with all those facebook friends. Most I am actually close to but I would much rather online journal on Blogger and read friends blogs when I have time.
Hey girl!!! I would consider it an honor to be sitting down with you having a cup of coffee contemplating the journey of this life...
I know facebook, myspace, twitter, et al are the way things are today. I know they make keeping up with far-flung friends easier.
Angelo, I can definitely see your point about personalities and that some are more likely to be hurt/offended regardless. I'm glad it has led you to people you wouldn't otherwise converse with - like me! I enjoy getting your thoughts and comments.
Now, when I see you IN PERSON in the future, we have things to talk about! I look forward to it.
Great post Michelle. I have been pondering this very thing. That I want friends who want to hang out with me. Facebook has been good for letting me see what has become of my high school friends, but at the same time I am soooo disappointed with WHO they are. I kind of wish I didn't know, but then again - at least I know how to pray for them.
When I joined Facebook, it was to keep up with my "real" friends, the ones who I don't get to see as often as I like because everyone has so much going on. Along the way, I have picked up some people who I wouldn't call "close friends" but I would say "hi" if I saw them, so it has been fun seeing what goes on with them. I have never done the whole "highschool" route, because that is a can of worms I don't want to open! I figure if I haven't seen them in all these years, I don't have time to start up a lot of new "internet friends" since I barely have time for my "real" friends. I have experinced feeling hurt one time when I saw pictures of a party I wasn't invited to, or doing a "friend request" that never got responded too, but oh well, that's life. Getting close to people will almost always lead to hurt feelings, but we would never have friends if we didn't take chances. So, I got over it. So, I probably spend more time on facebook than I should, but it doesn't take away time from actually seeing people. And you know me, I'm always open to a coffee date, just say the word! (or shopping and lunch date :)
On the other hand, it's a great tool for me to keep in touch with friends at great distances...which is pretty much ALL my friends these days! I wish I still had the option of calling up my girlfriends to go out for a cup of coffee :(
I cannot discount the power of facebook to connect those who are geographically separated. Just don't let it interfere with real friends and don't mistake it for true intimacy.
How timely this post is. Last night while puttering around the house I thought of this very thing. Why is it that I post on my blog, excited to show a picture or tell a story just to be disappointed with the lack of response? I sometimes think that if I put something "out there" the whole world will indeed see it and jump to their feet cheering my very existence.
I always think that people really care about what I post. The fact is this. People may care but really, isn't reading a blog more to satisfy a curiosity that maybe one would ask about in person?
I was so happy to see pics of baby Micah, but the truth is I should have just called Lori and said congratulations personally.
I have read posts, comments and reactions to comments that leave me wondering how in the world I feel a huge pain in my chest when I can not see the knife.
Typing conversation leave a lot to interpretation. We do not know the mood of the writer, the circumstances nor do we have the opportunity to cut in and help.
Blogger, facebook, etc are tools whose value can only be understood in the context of use. Like a gun. A gun can not hurt, but what the shooter does with the gun can.
Blahhh blahhh blahhhh I have gone on tooooo long.
Michelle another insightful and thought provoking post. Bravo!
correction: "maybe that one would NOT have asked in person"
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